Welcome, derrière enthusiassts and/or confused forum-goers and/or concerned moderators! You read the title correctly. In this topic we shall definitively solve the age old question of: “Which monster has the best behind in Cairn?” We’ll start with the contenders of Act I.
Ah, the slith. Every ass-philosopher has asked asked themselves where the slith ass ends and where the tail begins. Or rather, where the slith back ends and the ass begins. It is from these slith-ass cogitations that the first philosophers were able to conclude “I have an ass, therefore I am”, forever altering the way reality is understood. From this point forward in history, monster asses served a pivotal role in the understanding of philosophy and the world itself, so the slith ass is included in this entry for its historical contributions to our knowledge.
When the Aetherials breached the veil between worlds and sought to overrun Cairn, the obvious first objective on their path of conquest was to create a monster that was, in its entirety, a floating mass of deformed ass tissue with eyes. This gave birth to the monster now known as the Gazer. Surprisingly, the deformed ass monster was able to levitate and displayed an aptitude for magic, showing that arcane powers originate from the ass rather than the brain. This newfound knowledge encouraged practitioners of the Occult to perform forbidden magics upon their own asses to enhance their powers, much to the chagrin of the Witch Gods.
The Aetherial conquest needed more than just levitating ass monsters to succeed in their conquest - they needed a vanguard of deformed mutants with fantastic asses to break through enemy fortifications and strike feelings of intense envy and insecurity in the populace while doing so. Thus was born the legion of the fleshwarped.
Unbeknownst to his sister Sybil, Milton was willing to sacrifice anything - even life itself - to have the strongest ass in Burrwitch. Ever since he was a child, he was bullied for his small stature and his itty-bitty behind. It was the curse of his family, in fact his fellow relatives even had a saying about the Hart family, “The smaller the ass, the bigger the heart.” This did not console Milton. When the Aetherial threat came knocking on his front door, Milton saw his opportunity to achieve glory. He rescued his sister and scrawled a note to cover his true intentions in which he claimed he “volunteered” to stay behind and “go out fighting”. In the end, Milton made the ultimate sacrifice for his family and for the glory of ass.
Every man, woman, and child is taught the story of the Great Beast Beronass. It is alleged that this monster had the strongest ass of any other organism on Cairn, but the man with the second-strongest ass sought to dethrone the monster in order to go down in history as the Ass Master. Although Beronass was eventually slain in a glorious display of gluteal force, the remnants of the Great Beast’s shattered ass gave birth to numerous other threatening monsters, though their asses paled in comparison to that of the Great Beast. It is rumored that Kalis Ka, one of Beronass’ descendants, stalks the marshes near Burrwitch, devouring any traveler that ventures too close.
Last, but not least, the Warden himself - his ass hardened by years of cruelty and torture. The eventual success of the Aetherial raid of Burrwitch was built upon the foundation of this man’s marvelous glutes. It is rumored that his signature weapons, Judgment and Fortress, are named after his right and left cheeks. Ever since Grim Dawn’s humble beginnings and levelcap of 25, players have flocked to get just a glimpse of his Aetherial Arse and ultimately found themselves overcome by its “aura”.
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